Thursday, 2 June 2011

I was just thinking about what I wrote on my last post, and I sincerely hope I didn't come across as flippant or uncaring about the experiences you have gone through.

I'm always concerned that in the effort to encourage and build others up, ill-thought out words and nonchalance can cut deeply when somebody is enduring difficult circumstances.
It's so easy to revert to the old cliches that are still (appalingly enough) thrown around like,"It's all for a reason" or "Just dig in deeper to God". As well meaning as those comments are, they fail to cut the mustard.
People in crisis don't want to hear that they aren't doing enough, they want to know that someone cares for them, and wants to walk with them through this terrible time.
After all, love is a verb.

In my own life, I have had my share of pain.

I've never lost a child to cancer, or had my home destroyed by bush fire...but there have been times in my life where I felt that I just could not go on anymore.
Even as I write this I am crying because I remember it so vividly.

I have recently come off a course of medication I'd been taking to treat depression (my fourth episode - I've had it every 6 years for some reason!?) and I wanted to share something I wrote during the midst of this difficult time.

Don't  let me drown in the ocean of lethargy
I'm trying so hard not to sink.
But waving my arm to attract your attention
Is so much harder than you think.

It seems easier just to lay still
To not have any dreams at all
'Cause the higher you climb to achieve them
The further there is to fall.

There's so much that my heart longs to reach for
And much more I want to achieve
But how can I walk toward my goals
When I struggle each day just to breathe?

I know how it feels to want to give up, in fact during the darkest times I developed this habit of just stopping breathing. I would just...stop breathing for a while until I had to take a breath.
It seems so silly now but that's where my head was - I would cover my face and just stop breathing.

The point in me saying all this is that I want you to know that I've been there.
I still am in some ways, there are some issues I need to work through, and God in His wonderful grace is helping me deal with stuff bit by bit.

I don't know your situation - I don't know where you've come from or what you've been through - but I want you to have a think about this question. Here it is.

If you had the choice to turn back time, would you?

If you could go back and change the things that were done to you or by you...would you do it?
I know your immediate response would be "Yes of course I would you brainless twit!" - but I really want you to think about it.

How would your life be different now, if things were different then?
If you had the choice to turn back time, would you?

For me (and it took me a long time to verbalise this) I would say "No".

I will share specifics about my situation another time, but I know beyond any shadow of a doubt, that I would not be where I am now if my life had been untouched by pain.

My pain drove me to God.
It was through relying on Him to get me through each day as a young adult that I discovered God's living Word, the Bible, and through the scriptures God administered life-giving words of hope, peace, acceptance and freedom.
Through the years God has proved Himself faithful over and over again.

Genesis 50:20 rings true with me:
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..."

Satan intends to wreak havoc on you and me, our marriages and our kids.
He is only out to steal, kill and destroy using whatever he can get his hands on. 
But when God is invited into that situation, things happen.
Good things.
God turns that situation around to bless you and all those involved, and ultimately draw you into a beautiful relationship with Himself.

Some things to think about perhaps?

A bientot,
X Rebecca

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